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:: Panic hours ::
Feb. 07, 2003 at 1:42 a.m. I slept 16 hours straight and let me tell you it was nasty. I am freaking out. Its not like I am going to climb a tower or something but more like I feel very panic like ie: a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs mostly like a scaredy cat except I don't know what I am scared of so its sort of hard to really know what to do. I mean I could say its because of one thing or another or is it just me. I am painting though. Painting is my only time to just be. It is my only time to sit here without a crisis. Even sleep is not as peaceful. Not to say that every time I do a painting is peaceful either. I try to make it peaceful but I knock the water over and its fucking klutzy I get so mad. But fuck it. Painting is still better than listen to another fucking negative voice about another nasty thing about the world. Horrible, Heinous, Dreadful, etc. I try to be the opposite. If I can't be normal at least I will try to be constructive at best and non-existant when I am not ok. Why bother other people when they can't help anyway. I have been trying very hard to climb my way out of my rage and extreme hatred and extreme pain mostly at my mother's hands that causes me to be depressed all the time but then financial distress situation like this economy will add another layer to the darkness that already exists. That how I think of it. See I am trying to pull out of my hole as best I can so to me the world is mostly dark shades of gray. I am trying to get out of the mostly black toward more lighter gray even sunny if possible but that's rare. The formula sort of accounts for the fact that I do not have good relations with my family so that is out. Friends I have. Finance I am hanging in here. Mostly I am just freaking out because I really feel run down and depressed maybe its P.M.S. Anyway that can be true for me because I am a girl. So there. I do have a brain and I am not afraid to use it. F.T.F.F.
SOUND OF THE MINUTE:
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